There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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