Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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