After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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