we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
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Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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