woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
