Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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