Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
