did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
