First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
