I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
