Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
