Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
