Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Alive.
So much puke
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
