just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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