she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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