Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My penis needs a shock collar
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
