Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
