I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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