How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
