Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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