I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
