Yo dont text me then not text me
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
