you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
