I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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