Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
false alarm, still single
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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