: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
