I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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