I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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