On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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