when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
