it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
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Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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