If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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