dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
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Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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