I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
