i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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