I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
