I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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