Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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