based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
