i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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