Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
