dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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