apparently the secret to your success is patron
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
