He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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