I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
