The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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