The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
