Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
