Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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