How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
