Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
