Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
