I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
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A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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