I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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