i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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