Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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