My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
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I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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