I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We got so high we made milksteak
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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