i was born a porn star she said
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
